I Have Been Changed For Good.

I have a sensory memory: sounds, smells, music, temperature and humidity or a combination trigger memories.

I have an emotional memory: I don’t just remember the situation, I remember and re-experience all the emotions that go along with it. Intensely.

I just saw Wicked tonight.

Wicked was the last musical I saw with my ex- right before we split. For the last time. For real. For ever.

When Elphaba and Glinda know their parting is nigh, they sing one final song together:

“I’ve heard it said / That people come into our lives for a reason / Bringing something we must learn / And we are led /To those who help us most to grow / If we let them / And we help them in return.”

He taught me to be selfless, to love, to trust in God. I hope, hope, hope, he has something positive to say about me.

“Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? / But because I knew you / I have been changed for good.”

Back then I knew that I’d been changed. I was afraid I’d become unable to trust, cynical and negative. I knew my resiliency and character had grown. Today, I can see how I’ve changed, both from that relationship and in the years since.

“It well may be / That we will never meet again / In this lifetime / So let me say before we part / So much of me / Is made of what I learned from you / You’ll be with me / Like a handprint on my heart / And now whatever way our stories end / I know you have re-written mine.”

I remembered the tears rolling down my cheeks the first time years ago as they rolled down again tonight. I felt the aching in my chest remembering how much I wanted to thank him for everything, the good and the bad, the friendship, the laughter and the tears. I remember the heaviness in my heart, the sorrow that we may never meet again, that I may never be ready to meet him again.

“And just to clear the air / I ask forgiveness / For the things I’ve done you blame me for / But then, I guess we know / There’s blame to share.”

A hard acknowledgement; a true phrase.

“And none of it seems to matter anymore”

We wrote the end of that chapter of our lives together. Not the ending either of us expected, but it was the ending we chose through the consequences of our actions. It was time to move on then. It was time to remember today. But, like always, tomorrow is a new day, with new light and new hope.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t think about this anymore. I’m in such a different position in life now. Yet sometimes, memories and emotions come flooding back.

“Because I knew you… / I have been changed for good…”

Fears and Uncertainty.

I recently learned that a friend of mine who was engaged is no longer engaged. She realized that beyond not being excited or into planning a wedding, she wasn’t into being married. And thus she broke up with her fiance. This news has caused me to go into a bit of a funk, reevaluating and reassessing what I want in life.

My friend and her now ex- were relaxed about the idea of marriage, they were focused on just enjoying life together and being in a relationship. Time moves forward, years start to slip by, they eventually became engaged, well, because that’s what he wanted. My friend put the condition on it that she would never be a stereotypical, traditional stay-at-home, bake-cookies, host play-dates type of wife (sorry, I know this might offend some). Her boyfriend/fiance calmed her fears saying if she would transformed into that, he’d have to divorce her because that’s not who she was. I smiled at that. It seemed like they understood each other.

Six or seven months later, they’re no longer together. At all. What changed? How come it changed? Did it actually ever change – was it subconsciousness surfacing months later?

I’ve been recently reading articles on marriage on The Good Women Project. These articles talked about the challenges of marriage. They talked about the little good things. They made me have faith in my ability to love someone enough to marry them and work together to build a joint and unified life.

Then my friend becomes un-engaged and I find myself questioning whether or not I want to be married, whether or not I want to be in a relationship. I know that I miss / desire / long for companionship and the peace that comes with being in a stable relationship. I’m in an open relationship; I have what I’m looking for, sometimes, well, only occasionally. I recall the joy of living and breathing alongside someone you love. But then I look at my life and I look at how un-engaged I am in dating, in actively seeking out and meeting and building up relationships with people and I wonder if this is a subconscious manifestation of my un-desire for a permanent relationship. I wonder if my involvement with an non-committal guy is because I don’t want comittment myself. Am I afraid of it? Or am I afraid of getting hurt? Or am I afraid of actually being happy? Of finding someone who loves me the way I love him? Am I afraid that because I made the wrong choice before, that I’ll make the wrong choice again?

How is it that I can be so afraid of what I think I want most?

To take my mind off these thoughts I finished catching up on Gossip Girl this evening. The final lines between Blair and Chuck expressed what I’ve been desperately trying to ignore (yes, I acknowledge the ridiculous irony and sheer absurdness of this, but sometimes we hear what we need to hear through the medium we are receptive to at that moment).

Blair: People don’t write sonnets about being compatible, or novels about shared life goals and stimulating conversations. The great loves are the crazy ones.

Chuck: There’s a difference between a great love and the right love. I left the Empire State Building last year after two minutes when you didn’t show. Louis waited all night. This is your chance at happiness. You think you shouldn’t want it ’cause you haven’t had it, and it scares you. 

I love the crazy, intense passion. The last minute meetings, the spontaneous adventures. I love the drama. It’s kind of what I’ve always had. When I’ve dated guys who are looking for the “stable” relationship, I freak out. It’s too much attention. I like it on my terms; let’s have a relationship on the days I want a relationship.

But I know it’s not what will bring me happiness in the end. I know it. I know that I know. But I ignore it. I often look at all the storybook marriages I see; those couples who met, courted, got married, have a happy little house with a couple of kids. I look at it and feel it is so far from what I want. And maybe that exact situation is so far from what I want; I don’t need my love and relationship to materialize in the same way as someone else’s. But I do want someone. I do want a relationship. I want to be with someone who is passionately in love with me. Someone who can’t live with out me. I want the Right Love to come out of the Great Love.

I’m not saying that the relationship I’m in is wrong, or that I shouldn’t be in it. Just like every relationship that I’m in, I know it is essential for helping me along my journey in life. It is teaching me many things about myself. It has helped get me from point A to point B in many areas of my life. I’m not saying it’s over, I’m just realizing I’m very, very afraid of letting myself find (or accept) lasting happiness.