I’ve quoted a poem by Brittany before, I need to do it again. I came across a blog today, a young girl (well, same age as me, so maybe not so young, or maybe I think of myself as young still) who is going through a divorce. It made me think about my own past, and how, well, I don’t really think about it much anymore. Except for the days that I do think about it. In my blog perusing, I came across this poem tonight. I feel I need to share it. If I had the courage to put it in an envelope and mail it to the ex, I would. But I don’t. I always thought that one day I would write him a letter, and tell him my reflections. I don’t feel like I need to (anymore). Or maybe I don’t feel like I can. Maybe I’m not ready to. Maybe I don’t want to, because I hate it when thoughts of the past creep into my current relationship and scare the shit out of me. Not everything is a pattern, I tell myself (although I don’t know if I believe it). I don’t know. I just don’t know.
What I do know, though, is that this poem spoke truths to me just now. And so I share it with you (thanks Brittany).
If You’re Out There
If you’re out there.. somewhere.. reading this.
Know that I’m happy for you.
Know that just like I always did
I only wish the best the world has to offer for you.
Know that all of the hurt is gone.
And that even though the hurt is gone
I will never forget how it felt.
Know that I’ve forgotten the fights, and tears
the silent days, and the hurtful words
And when I think of us,
I think of the laughter,
the late nights spent on the couch testing boundaries.
The soft kisses, and lazy days.
Know that you got my heart racing,
and my blood pumping like very few before you.
And our first kiss, is still my favorite kiss.
Know that there are many things I love about you
And if the timing had been different,
maybe we would have lasted for eternity.
But you should also know…
You’re the only thing I regret.
And if I could go back and do it over again
I wouldn’t choose you twice.
And that even though the hurt is gone
I will never forget how it felt.
Such strong words; such true words. I don’t have memories of things and words, or at least many of them. I remember emotions. Emotions I never ever want to feel again. I remember feel little; feeling as if the world was around me, but I wasn’t there. I remember feeling as if I was ripped into a hundred million billion gazillion little pieces, and that no matter how much glue I used, I just couldn’t get them back into the right order. It just felt wrong. But I don’t hurt anymore; I don’t hurt because of you. I just remember. And I remember because I don’t want to experience it again.
Just What's On My Mind 