A Poem. Not Mine.

I’ve quoted a poem by Brittany before, I need to do it again. I came across a blog today, a young girl (well, same age as me, so maybe not so young, or maybe I think of myself as young still) who is going through a divorce. It made me think about my own past, and how, well, I don’t really think about it much anymore. Except for the days that I do think about it. In my blog perusing, I came across this poem tonight. I feel I need to share it. If I had the courage to put it in an envelope and mail it to the ex, I would. But I don’t. I always thought that one day I would write him a letter, and tell him my reflections. I don’t feel like I need to (anymore). Or maybe I don’t feel like I can. Maybe I’m not ready to. Maybe I don’t want to, because I hate it when thoughts of the past creep into my current relationship and scare the shit out of me. Not everything is a pattern, I tell myself (although I don’t know if I believe it). I don’t know. I just don’t know.

What I do know, though, is that this poem spoke truths to me just now. And so I share it with you (thanks Brittany).

If You’re Out There

If you’re out there.. somewhere.. reading this.
Know that I’m happy for you.
Know that just like I always did
I only wish the best the world has to offer for you.
Know that all of the hurt is gone.
And that even though the hurt is gone
I will never forget how it felt.
Know that I’ve forgotten the fights, and tears
the silent days, and the hurtful words
And when I think of us,
I think of the laughter,
the late nights spent on the couch testing boundaries.
The soft kisses, and lazy days.
Know that you got my heart racing,
and my blood pumping like very few before you.
And our first kiss, is still my favorite kiss.
Know that there are many things I love about you
And if the timing had been different,
maybe we would have lasted for eternity.

But you should also know…
You’re the only thing I regret.
And if I could go back and do it over again
I wouldn’t choose you twice.
And that even though the hurt is gone
I will never forget how it felt.
Such strong words; such true words. I don’t have memories of things and words, or at least many of them. I remember emotions. Emotions I never ever want to feel again. I remember feel little; feeling as if the world was around me, but I wasn’t there. I remember feeling as if I was ripped into a hundred million billion gazillion little pieces, and that no matter how much glue I used, I just couldn’t get them back into the right order. It just felt wrong. But I don’t hurt anymore; I don’t hurt because of you. I just remember. And I remember because I don’t want to experience it again.


Yesterday, being the first Sunday of the month, was Fast & Testimony Meeting. This is something I’ve historically dreaded; who wants to hear the thoughts of everyone? I know this is potentially a very hypocritical thought as I strongly believe that everyone has a voice, and everyone should find a forum for their voice. But oh so often these meetings diverge from their true purpose – to allow individuals a chance to testify of Christ and the Atonement in their life – to a story-telling, all-purpose emotion-sharing, meeting. It is that which I can’t stand.

So I would be lying if I were to say that I woke up yesterday excited to go to Church.

The meeting started out not too badly; nothing  caused me to cringe overtly.

Then, one gentleman stood up and shared words that resonated with me. I was so grateful to know that someone was able to share openly what they believed, and what I believe many believe, but don’t openly share.

I paraphrase:

I am grateful for all the truth in the world that is available to us. And I don’t mean just Gospel truths. Through the Gospel, and the tools within, God has provided with the ability to perhaps see truth more clearly, but there is truth all around. The truth is not circumscribed within the walls of this building, within the Gospel itself and within the 15 million of us on this earth. And I am grateful for all I can find and understand.

Thank You. He disappeared after the meeting before I had the chance to thank him personally, so this is my thank you. I’ve always believed this; I love when I come to an understanding of various pieces of knowledge.

It is very dangerous to assume only one set of beliefs is accurate, is true, is the one and only. Many years ago I started academically studying the tenets of a variety of religions. I wasn’t “shopping” for a new religion, I was seeking to understand others. Looking for points of commonalities and points of divergence helps is essential for tolerance, compassion and granting of religious freedom or for actively pursuing effective missionary work – whatever way you want to go. I can’t profess to be an expert on any of the religions, I’m not even sure I remember what I studied. What I do remember, however, is the profound realization I had that there were many, many similarities, and that what seemed like obvious points of divergence were due, in part to culture differences influencing how similarities were acted on. Looking at these other religions through the lens of “The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the one religion with the most truths and fullest of the Gospel”  I could see the stepping stones of belief within that religion which, with a bit of additional knowledge, could lead conversion to the Church.

I can’t substantiate this, because as I said, this is based on memories of thoughts from casual reading many years ago. What these memories mean to me today is that there is no single keeper of truth on this earth. There is a lot of truth, half-truth, maybe-truth, definitely-not-truth, out there in the world. Each of us has the personal responsibility to go out there, investigate, and come to our own conclusions.