To write.

When I was in elementary school I dreamed of being a writer. I spent weekends in writing workshops and summers in writing camps. I’ve written 19 volumes of personal journals. I am sure there are many, many treasures buried in them.

One day in 2007, I don’t quite remember when, I came home from work to have my love of writing, my desire to write, entirely squished. Squished like that spider that dared to run across my arm. It was likely a bad week, anger and resentment filling our home. My ex-husband read my journal while I was at work. It’s not that anything in there was too entirely sacred, but it was very personal. It was the tool I was using to deal with the struggles we were having in our marriage while trying to keep the hysterical crying to a minimum. My first thoughts were, ‘great, now you know all the emotions I have struggles sharing with you verbally. let’s talk’. His reaction: ‘you are selfish, all you talk about are your emotions and how they relate to the world. your thoughts, your fears. it’s all about you.’

He didn’t get the reason why I wrote this.

Ever since then I’ve struggled. I managed to keep a journal while I was living in Africa. When you’re far away from friends and family, a piece of paper can become your very best friend.

Now that I’m in Canada, I struggle again. I write from time to time in my journal but not with the voracity I once did. I’m trying to write through this blog, but I struggle with that as well.

There are so many things on my “to write about list”. And yet I keep writing about how I need to write.

I wonder what is really holding me back.

Vulnerability? Am I afraid to share all my thoughts, thinking that I might once again be accused of being too selfish?

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Love.

To love again is a very beautiful thing. I remember thinking that never again could I love again. But with this new love, I feel like I didn’t understand love before. This is effortless. Just thinking of you fills me with an incomprehensible warmth and joy. Sometimes I get nervous. Sometimes I feel anxious and wonder where you are and what you’re doing. But then I remember you’re not him (the him of the past). Your heart is large, sometimes too large. When I do cry, it is because I am filled with awe and gratefulness of who you are, that you are in my life, that I met you. The tears represent blessings and joy, not pain and sorrows. Such a welcome relief. I don’t know what the future holds, but I am grateful for the gift of this time we have together. (secretly wishing we’ll have it for eternity).

Moving Forward.

Today on my facebook wall a comment appeared that really upset me. The lady, the mother of a few girls I grew up with in Young Women’s, was upset about Marie Osmond being included in the recently published book Women of Character: Profiles of 100 Prominent LDS Women. She stated she was offended because Marie Osmond clearly didn’t understand the sanctity of marriage. She purported that by including her profile, we were not teaching the Young Women appropriate values.

I don’t know a lot about Marie Osmond, but this facebook post was really eating away at my mind. I was able to find an excerpt of the article online (thank you, Google).

What I learned was that Marie has been divorced twice, and married three times. Is this what offend the facebook lady? Really. Having gone through a sour marriage and a divorce, I know that it is not something to aspire too. I also know that marriage can be absolutely wonderful. I have fond memories of those, well, couple of months.

But I don’t really know that this is what the article was getting at. The article highlighted Marie as a woman, a mother, a regular person, who has had ups and downs. Big ups and Big downs. And yet she moves forward and gets on with life.

Marie was quoted as saying: “There are scars, however, and you just need to work through them and get on with life and learn to trust again.” This is what we need to be teaching the Young Women. This is a lesson that everyone needs to learn.

I remember all those lessons that talked about working to bring peace and harmony into marriages, about being a good wife, and about the importance of being a mother. None of those lessons talked about the fact that sometimes things don’t work out. I don’t ever remember hearing that everything isn’t up to us. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much love, effort, patience and tolerance you throw into the marriage soup, it just won’t work out. It is something that both people need to be completely invested in. Sometimes divorce is essential. It is necessary to move on, to continue to progressing and to reach your true potential.

“Some see themselves or their loved ones as the victims of divorce. Others see themselves as its beneficiaries. Some see divorce as evidence of failure. Others consider it an essential escape hatch from marriage.” – Dallin H. Oaks

If you’re in a relationship that can’t bring you the peace and positivity needed to be whole, you should not be in that relationship. You can’t look at someone and say they don’t understand the sanctity of marriage just because they’ve had a few marriages who don’t last. In fact, I’d almost be willing to put money on the fact that they’re probably the ones who truly understand what a marriage should be because they’ve come to realize what it shouldn’t be. I’d also like to add that I firmly believes that what defines a good and successful marriage is very specific to the people who are involved in that marriage. So please, don’t tell me that Marie Osmond doesn’t understand the sanctity of marriage.

From what wikipedia tells me, it looks like Marie has a had a lot of challenges and curve balls thrown at her. We all do. But what Marie has done is to keep moving forward. She’s been open and honest about the struggles she’s had, to a much larger audience than any of us would ever need to be open to. She’s shared. She’s expressed. She’s taken the steps necessary to overcome. She’s continually growing her relationships and seeking out the relationships that a best for her at that time in her life.

These are the lessons we need to be teaching. Move forward. Learn to trust again.

Believe me, it’s tough. Being happily married, then miserably married, then miserably divorced, then happily divorced was a tough journey. It’s still tough. I’m still learning how to love and to trust again, but it is great. It is really, really, really great to love again. Had I stayed in that miserably married stage, believing that as a woman I could fix everything, I would be, well, I would still be miserable.

And yes, if you were wondering, I deleted that lady as a facebook friend.