There is something magical about the first couple of days that are full of blue skies and sunshine. I love having my bedroom window open and a breeze blowing in. I love having the sun on my face. I love feeling the warmth all around me. It makes everything in life seem just a little bit better.
I feel like I’ve been posting too much negativity lately. I’m not really a negative person, I think I’m just stuck a bit in life right now at the moment. Sorry. I’ll try to be more positive. For both you and me.
I’ve quoted a poem by Brittany before, I need to do it again. I came across a blog today, a young girl (well, same age as me, so maybe not so young, or maybe I think of myself as young still) who is going through a divorce. It made me think about my own past, and how, well, I don’t really think about it much anymore. Except for the days that I do think about it. In my blog perusing, I came across this poem tonight. I feel I need to share it. If I had the courage to put it in an envelope and mail it to the ex, I would. But I don’t. I always thought that one day I would write him a letter, and tell him my reflections. I don’t feel like I need to (anymore). Or maybe I don’t feel like I can. Maybe I’m not ready to. Maybe I don’t want to, because I hate it when thoughts of the past creep into my current relationship and scare the shit out of me. Not everything is a pattern, I tell myself (although I don’t know if I believe it). I don’t know. I just don’t know.
What I do know, though, is that this poem spoke truths to me just now. And so I share it with you (thanks Brittany).
I don’t know exactly what I want to write. I have a thousand little, or maybe big, emotions inside of me. All I really want to do at the moment is jump in my car and drive 845 km to see this boy that has been preoccupying my mind, my heart and all my physical desires.
It’s been a year since we first kissed. A year, yesterday. That first kiss very quickly became a first everything. I’ve never been so comfortable with anyone. Even now, if I just close my eyes and think of him, think of being next to him, with my head on his shoulders, there is this peaceful calm that comes over me. I’ve known for a long time, with an absolute assuredness, that he is something wonderful in my life.
And yet I haven’t talked to him for two weeks.
After every time we reach a new level in our un-relationship he goes MIA. Two weeks ago he met my family. He’d met some of them before, in bits and pieces here and there. This time he met everyone. Him sitting on the couch, my parents talking to him. This was followed by him meeting a lot of people I’ve grown up with. We enjoyed the night. I think about it retrospectively, and maybe I wasn’t there enough. Maybe he didn’t realize how much I loved having him there, how much I love him. I was nervous; we hadn’t seen each other for three months. Maybe he was nervous; maybe his nervous now. Maybe he didn’t actually enjoy it all; maybe he is done. Maybe he is just processing everything; maybe he isn’t processing anything.
What I know is that I can’t stop thinking about him: about how much I miss him again and want to be with him. But also, about how this pattern sucks. How it is probably a pattern that will stick forever; a pattern of non-committal. Boys? What does the boy brain say?
My brain tells me to move on. My heart tells me to give him more time.
I think about the last year. It’s been one good year. Should I take that year and move on? Should I hold out for a little while longer, maybe I can add another awesome year to it.
Just call me, dude. Just call me.
** ADDENDUM – May 31, 2011 **
I just re-read this post. Looking back, I feel I was perhaps being a little melodramatic. While I was definitely feeling all those things the day I wrote them, today, my heart is bigger than ever. It takes a little down to truly feel the up.
Be addicted. Be consumed. Just CHOOSE THE RIGHT ADDICTION. Choose what is beautiful. -32/365
Why is it that I’ve always felt the need to be completely consumed? Why do I let myself become completely consumed (with a boy)? Why am I afraid of it? Why?
What can I do to balance things in my life? What else can I become consumed with?
Or should I just let life consume me?
No, I shall consume life.
I shall find what is beautiful. And then I will be beautiful too.
alone in my world
the stillness of the air
the beating of my heart
parts of me miss you
all of me misses you
i close my eyes
i can feel you near
how is it then that i miss you more?
when is it that i will miss you less?
an imagination that imagines you there
when i know not
whether you will be there
i know not
where your heart is
my heart is with you
it feels your hands there
it wants your hands there
it needs your hands there
my heart wants your heart
I need a creative outlet. I feel like there is so much inside of me that is just wanting to escape. This isn’t a new feeling. I’ve always needed an outlet, but have never really found a good one. I used to run. Miles and miles. Running releases the energy, but does not release all the emotion. While I have volumes and volumes of journals kept over the years, I’ve struggled with writing. I feel that my words are often very selfish. I write about me, about my feelings, about my fears. Most people do, yes, but I feel that I do it in a very selfish way. Perhaps it is just because I haven’t yet found the right tone or medium to excrete my emotions verbally such that they will be inspiring for others. Maybe that is my problem? I’m actively seeking to inspire. Or am I? Maybe it is just because I don’t want to be inconsequential. I want someone to know that I exist. I want someone to take stock in my emotional turmoil and want to invest in calming it. I have music, scenery, poetry. Maybe I am afraid of anything less than perfection. Maybe things are just so jumble-bumbled inside of me that I absolutely have no idea where to start. How do you translate abstract into tangible? How do you channel the emotions out?